Living in Fear!

As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part of our life, and our own personal growth. Our growth starts basically from our relationships. Remember when we were young looking up to our parents, or to our older brothers or sisters, sometimes envying them for being older, or just trying to understand them. But the best of all was trying to build up our relationship with them.

From that point on our own personal growth began. This initial growth, helped to direct us towards different directions in life, according to the way we did handle those early growth experiences.

I have spoken before about how our ego and pride plays part in our relationships. This time, we will look at another area that can really hit us hard when we are in a relationship, and that is fear and selflessness.

What is fear? Fear can be defined in many different ways, but we will look at fear in a relationship as our concern today.

Fear, is defined by two different aspects of our relationships. As I see it today, it is the fear of commitment and the fear of the other person in a relationship. Fear of commitment in a relationship can happen to the best of us when we have had one, or several, tough relationships or tough times growing up in this lifetime. That can help to keep that fear alive.
Why do we keep carrying around that fear? Very simple – many times we don’t know any better, and other times we are just afraid to be vulnerable, or to allow ourselves to open up. That fear can only bring unhappiness in the end.

Fear of the other person in the relationship is just as tough as that first fear but we need, and it is very important, to be honest with ourselves and to ask the question “Why are we afraid of our partner?” Why have we allowed ourselves to be stuck in that relationship for so long? What is it that created this fear in us? Why have we allowed it to go that far in the first place? Asking that, and many other good questions that need to be addressed until we click in with the answer. Do not disqualify any answer because that is what most of us do in the first place. Our intuition seems to be the last thing we trust. Just learn to trust that inner voice of yours. Fear can only be resolved by building up our own self-confidence. Your partner, in this case, probably knows that you fear him or her and may take advantage of this!

From my angle, I see again that fear lies in the way that we grew up and what we really need to look at is our own level of self-confidence. Sometimes we have been abused as a child and our self-esteem is tarnished. I wrote on these subjects before, but what we need to tackle now is on how we have chosen to build up our self-confidence and self-esteem. This is a very important start.

To be able to accomplish this you need to go back to whatever age you were when that problem started to occur. Look at it as if you were seeing yourself, and your life, as a movie in front of you. Write down everything you see, and start to listen to the way you talk today. Is there a common pattern? You should see something reoccurring over time and even in how you experience your relationships today. You will probably see that those patterns are still there, as if it were the first time it happened some ten, fifteen or twenty years ago. It is great if you can identify these patterns in your life that keep repeating, in a progressive way, time after time, or from one relationship to another. Then you will know from where you will need to begin, and fix what you have identified as needing fixing. Many times we say “but I can’t see it yet”. After time has passed, read all of the writing that you did earlier as a child growing up. Reading it later may help you to see the patterns, I guarantee that! BUT, there is one thing that you might or might not see throughout the years, and that is the negative attitude you may have about yourself, and your life, and that has to change too. If you master your attitude, then you are almost guaranteed that over eighty percent of your problem is solved. Think about it for a moment please…

I learned from my own healing and working with my guides, and healing doctors, that there is no cure until it is handled at the root of the problem. Not just by the symptoms of today’s problems, or else nothing (or a very little amount) will change. New problems will surface later on because the understanding of the early stage of the problem hasn’t been identified and this may prevent us from being provided with the answer to a happier existence. It really does not matter why things happened in the first place, as long as we learn to accept our unfortunate situation. Forgive, bless it, and let it go. It won’t take a lifetime for things to change in your life from that point on. That’s from my own personal experiences.

Sometimes, this process is very hard and painful to go through. Your old life experiences, and your energy level, might go to the bottom, but not as long as you know why you are doing it in the first place. It’s not a long process but two important factors are required YOU being involved in the first place. It is your life after all, and your own personal responsibility. Without those two ingredients we will keep running in a circle.

As you see when you properly handle the first stage of the problem, all of the symptoms or hurdles will fall and disappear instantly without even realizing it, because it is no longer important to your mind, heart and soul. It has been solved!

After all, the worse thing any Soul has to endure is living in fear, all of their life, especially while next to their partner, and the people who they love.

Enjoy your relationships with the people you love, and cherish it for all that it’s worth, because life is worth living and it should be in harmony.

Know the Facts of Online Dating

Online dating is getting very popular and if you would like to join this world, there are a few things that you should keep in mind. As with the other aspects of life, you will have more success if you follow the rules of the game and treat other people with respect. Some people may not realize these rules but in the end it will mean the difference between you getting the date and continuing to be single.

If you find an attractive picture online, it is ok to tell the person that you think they are nice looking. However looks are not everything. If that is all that you have to say online, then it is going to be better not to say anything at all. Read the person’s profile so that you can say something more than just a comment about their looks.

You can read the profit in all situations. Always look at a person’s “My perfect date” section to see what he or she is going to be interested in. most people are looking for others within a certain age range and distance from home. They might also have preferences about children, smoking, religion, looks, race, and sexual preferences. If you are 33 and someone online is looking for a date between 20 and 28, he or she is not looking for you so you need to pass them by.

Do not send an initial email if you did not read the profile. Ask general questions like “How are you?” and ” What can you tell me about yourself?” can be annoying. Be more specific and ask the other person questions that can be answered in an email back to you and your questions will show her your personal interests.

The most important thing is if another person is not interested, move past them. Sometimes people will not answer your messages on purpose. Online is the acceptable way of showing that you have no interest. Do not repeatedly send messages that ask a person if they got your previous message. They got them and they are simply not interested. If someone writes you back and indicated that there is no chemistry for him or her, let the issue go.

There are millions of other profiles for you to pursue and someone is going to reply. Writing back to that person and telling them that they are close-minded, mean, or something unpleasant is not going to help and it is against the websites rules. Use your common sense and do not do or say anything that you would never do or say in real life. Online dating can be more fun for everyone if you follow the etiquette rules.

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I’m So In Love, So Why Am I Depressed?

“I’ve waited so long for love to come into my life, yet now that it’s here, I’m depressed. I can’t figure this out,” complained Elayne in one of our phone counseling sessions. “Todd is really terrific. He’s all I’ve been wanting in a man – open, caring, and emotionally available. I really think there is something wrong with me.”

“When did you start to feel depressed?” I asked.

“Well, I think it started last week right after we spent a wonderful weekend together.”

“What happened after the weekend?”

“It was Sunday evening. We had just come back from an early dinner, and Todd wanted to watch a movie with me on TV. I told him that I wanted to go to the gym because I hadn’t worked out in a few days. He sounded disappointed in not watching the movie with me, so I didn’t go to the gym. I stayed and watched the movie with him because I didn’t want him to feel hurt and rejected.”

“And that’s when you started to feel depressed?”

“Yes. Can it really be because I didn’t go to the gym?”

“Well,” I said, “It’s not exactly because you didn’t go to the gym. You probably enjoyed watching the movie with him, right?”

“Right! A part of me did want to watch the movie with him, because I do love being with him. That’s why I can’t figure this out.”

“Elayne, I think that the problem is that you make Todd’s feelings and needs more important than your feelings and needs. You gave yourself up to Todd out of fear of his upset feelings. I don’t think you would have been depressed if you had decided that you really wanted to watch the movie with Todd more than you wanted to go to the gym. But it doesn’t sound like you took the time to go inside to see what you really wanted. What were you afraid would have happened if you had gone to the gym?”

“I was afraid that he would be angry at me and withdraw from me.”

“So you were willing to lose yourself rather than risk losing him, is that right?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I did.”

“So controlling his feelings and behavior was more important than taking loving care of yourself?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t realize that I was trying to control him by not going to the gym, but I can see that that is exactly what I was doing.”

“So, imagine that your feelings and needs are a child within you, and Todd’s feelings and needs are a child within him. If you put aside your child to take care of his child, how is your child going to feel?”

“Oh, I see! I feel depressed because I gave myself up and put my child aside to take care of his child! Wow, this relationship stuff is hard! I also feel trapped and resentful, like Todd is somehow not letting me do what I want to do. And as soon as I didn’t go to the gym, which is what I really wanted to do, I didn’t feel very attracted to him.”

“Right. And Todd may have been trying to control you with his disappointment. Has he felt rejected and hurt in the past when you didn’t do what he wanted?’

“Yes, he does this sometimes. I hate it when he feels like that. Now I can see that he is trying to control me with his hurt, and I’m trying to control him by giving myself up. I can also see that this is not going to work well.”

Elayne decided to talk with Todd about what she had learned. Fortunately, Todd was very open to understanding his own behavior as well as Elayne’s. Elayne made the decision to risk letting go of responsibility for Todd’s feelings and take responsibility for her own feelings and needs. Elayne’s depression quickly vanished as she started to take loving care of herself.

How Well Is Your Relationship Going

What’s the key to a successful relationship? Some might think that’s the million dollar question. Sometimes it’s just the simple things, that we easily forget or think are unimportant that hold the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Read through the helpful tips below on how to make your relationship go the distance.

1. Without quality time together, your relationship will not survive. Aim to devote at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when the two of you spend time exclusively together.

2. You both want to feel secure within the relationship. A good relationship is built on compromise and a lot of give and take from both of you.

3. Often those little things that first attracted you to your partner can turn into nasty annoying habits. Learn to love your partner warts and all. Don’t try to change them into something they’re not, after all you fell in love with them just the way they were.

4. Money is one of the top conflicts between most couples. For the relationship to work, you need to address your finances and maybe even work out a budget.

5. Learn to argue well. Never say something to your partner that you wouldn’t want to hear said back. Just remember, the one good thing they say about arguing, is the making up afterwards.

6. Communication is vital to all healthy relationships. Listen to your partner and avoid blame and judgement. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behaviour. Remember just talking things over can help you to both have a deeper understanding of each other.

7. Sort out your sex life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don’t just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more sex than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your sex life out of the
bedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.

8. Try to keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell your partner how much you need them, but don’t get to dependent on them and cling to them all the time, as that can make your partner feel trapped. On the flip side of this, don’t allow your partner to think you don’t need them, by going or doing things without them. Try to keep a happy and healthy balance
between the two.

9.Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, and feel the trust can never be regained then give yourself, and him a break and start again, with someone new.

10. Don’t ever think that going to counselling is a sign of a failed relationship. It can turna bad relationship around and can also turn an average relationship into an excellent one. More and more people are turning to counselling today than ever, it shows you are both prepared
to try and make things better, which can’t be a bad thing at all.

The fact remains, that whether you’re dating or married, relationships are hard. It takes 100% commitment from both of you. However, healthy and long-lasting relationships are achievable and many couples have proven just that. Not everything is always going to be perfect but if you both choose to make it work then it can. And remember it’s the little things that you sometimes do that can go a long way to making your relationship work.